free web tracker soliloquies: it's probably better off if you don't read this


so・lil・o・quy/- n. [C,U] a speech in a play in which a character talks to himself or herself, so that the audience know the character's thoughts.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

it's probably better off if you don't read this

Have I consumed all my lifetime happiness during my youth? More or less, I'm beginning to believe how this hypothesis is becoming probable and agreeable.

I do not feel happy lately. I rarely laugh. I don't smile as often either. I have problems in all of the fields that compose one's life. Finance, relationships and family...everything.

What have I done wrong? What have I done to deserve this? Why don't I have any friends I can trust from bottom of my heart even with all that effort I had put into affairs last year? Why are they all exult with their newly made partners? Why do I feel left behind and used...and above all, why do I feel miserable being all alone?

I thought we were close enough to easily overcome our geographical hurdle...but no. I don't see them, they don't see me and we never communicate in any form. They don't even come to school as often. I thought you were a lot more motivated in all of your proposals...self-centered retards.

And my family. Why is everyone suffering from a similar cause? Why aren't we able to have enough communication, even within my family? Everyone's way too hectic to even think about other members of family.

A bit irrelevant, but if I end up screwing up the "faint ray of light" I believe and hope I am observing, I will become a totally screwed and melancholic person for a significant amount of time...and that must be avoided. But how could anything go right if my foundation is crumbling to this degree?

Basically, I dislike making blue, gloomy entrees in my blog but I can't withstand it any longer. Ever since I made that proposal about Cambridge, things are obviously going wrong between my parents. Was this a bad idea? Talking about anything related to money to my parents is a taboo. Surely, it is a lot more than what my parents can currently offer and I knew that at the time of my proposal, but I couldn't lie to my passion.

Anyway, I will try to remain positive for the time being, but I don't know how long I can endure this critical situation I am placed in. I know I am a lot more wealthier than many of the third world children, but what good would all the stuff do if I am not happy? God, life sucks.


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