deep into the night

I'm having difficulty getting to sleep. It's past 2 already and if it were normal me, then I would've been asleep hours ago. In deep, long nights like these, I tend to think about various matters that don't really have much importance.

I have a haunting past. Better said, my past is haunting me and as an action of self defense against this past, I am addicted and obsessed with English. English is acting like an shield which I believe is partially protecting me from all my failures and mistakes.

Like in a way all lives are, my life in the States was far from perfect. I've had a lot of concerns from many of the events I've experienced there, regarding a lot of different stuff. Nevertheless, its environment was quite comfortable compared to the one I am currently placed in. This may sound like another one of my infamous complaints, but bear with me. This is probably an identity issue.

I may become a lot more happier if I can wipe all of my memories related to those happy years in the States and face the reality I am situated in. I have set a ridiculously high standard through those years. Even though I probably am in what Japanese people would recognize as an "upper class" life, I am still unsatisfied with it. Unconciously, I've built a huge wall which is preventing me from moving on. This is where that expression comes in place: grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

Things have definitely changed in the States and I know that for sure. There's no assurance I would have remained happy if my life continued on to high school, both socially and economically. After all, I would have been a foreigner no matter how hard I tried. Nevertheless, I was really happy this year during my visit.

This huge, mental hurdle I have established is the one I must get over with. My grandmother experienced a similar stage in her life too, according to her memoir she told me the day before yesterday. It's never helpful to be in the best stage of your life during your youth. However, now being one of those people, I have no way but to bear this inferiority I continuously feel and move on, attempting to recreate that stage I cherish once again in the future.