free web tracker soliloquies: stuff


so・lil・o・quy/- n. [C,U] a speech in a play in which a character talks to himself or herself, so that the audience know the character's thoughts.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006


This morning, when I was taking the Tokyu Toyoko Line to school, I saw two Americans sitting in front of me with a Japanese phrase book and a train map. As I observed them, I noticed how they kept on sighing and from that, I judged that they were in trouble getting around in an environment filled with exotic characters which we call kanji.

So, I went over to them and asked "Are you two in trouble?" in a mannerly fashion. Well, apparently, they didn't need any assistance, but we sparked up a conversation and rapidly spoke to each other in English in a Japanese commuter train. It was probably an awkward sight to those who thought I was an ordinary Japanese.

She asked me if I was from the United States and I told her how I used to live in New Jersey in the past. She told me how she liked Japan and it how she was able to easily understand Japanese public transportation system, but she did criticize how Japanese highways are complicated with their route numbers and their weird exit numbering system. It was a 5 minute long conversation, but it was a nice occurrence to start my day off.

Anyway, have you had these experiences when you are quite uncertain about something? In all of psychological tests, the results tell me how I am confident about a lot of things. That is not fully true nor false. I gain a lot of confidence based on the effort I put into that matter with an expection. That matter must be something that can be gained with effort, tests, for instance. As long as you study hard and review prior to it, there's a high possibility that you can gain an adequate score on it.

But in life, their are some factors that you can't raise your success rate no matter how hard you try. Opposing all the test results, this is the part I am particularly weak at. I can do stuff that will change one's course toward that matter, but no matter how hard you try, there's no assurance that your attempt will end up with succession. This can probably mean that I am a weak person, but everyone's scared at certain stuff in this chaotic world of ours, right?

There's a certain agenda inside me that is making me go around in circles. While some signs are showing positiveness and I am well motivated by them, I just can't make that one last step that is necessary to bring this agenda into orbit. I have all the planning and stuff after that step, but my uncertainty or I should say my "fear toward understanding the truth" is blocking that decisive action I had been planning to make for months now. Besides, these signs are weak if these signs are measured with relativity.

I hate this element of my character, but I have never had any success on actions that were done based on my natural instincts. This possibility is based on some logics, nonetheless, nothing can be clearly understood in this sort of stuff. Plus, I'm pretty screwed up at the moment.

What am I supposed to do...? Is silence a good sign in a way the proverb "silence is golden" implies? Or, did that silence derive from some negative factors? There's only one way to find out.


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