change

This blog I've kept to sustain my English skill is becoming an outlet for complaints. I suppose I have complained just about enough... I'll try to keep a "healthier" blog from now on.

There were just too many things I have felt or noticed during the past month that made me go though some of the toughest anxieties I was unable to keep within myself. These hardships that leaked out of my mind, as a result, turned out as blog posts on this English blog which I hope and believe is not read by anyone I know in Japan. Wait, what if someone actually did read this blog? No, this thought is going to bring out another chain reaction of anxiety... forget it.

It's quite odd really, given the fact that I had the ability to decompose any of these anxieties I've got inside my mind with ease, up until this hardship arose. It's probably over now anyway at the worst timing. The holiday season is coming up and the ginkgo trees are rapidly dropping their leaves as the result of dropping temperature. I don't believe in the whole legend thing, but the upcoming holiday season would be dreadful with solitude for sure.

Although I've written about distrust and stuff on this blog, I still am unable to lie to my honest feelings. It was my simple, honest feeling that kept me going with all these radical, innovative ideas and efforts. I don't understand why I'm trying to keep an adequate amount of distance now. It's not like I'm mad or disappointed or anything...I just can't do anything right, the way I want in front of her... only if I am given another chance. I wish it hadn't ended, keenly.

I'm making contradicting remarks again, but I wish I can reach this goal I've been running toward to for a while now...honestly.


I'll make this my final complaint on this blog, at least for the time being.


Anyway, during dinner yesterday, I talked about the exchange program I found that was posted on school bulletin board to my dad. He seemed to accept my will quite well, with an expection of financial element that goes with this kind of stuff. The cost necessary for this program is about $1500 and the period is about a month long, so it's really cheap compared to other foreign exchange programs on the market.

But, $1500 is not a small amount that can be taken out with a snap. He told me that I'm going to put some financial effort myself, in order for this wish to realize. It's true that I've got to pass the examination which will be placed on me by the Keio IIR and I've got 3 more chances even if I do fail, but I've got the most time during my freshman year, especially during the spring break.

I've got to cut my spending and work more...but before that, I must fill out the application form and write an essay for qualification. I guess I'll do that tomorrow, perhaps.