free web tracker soliloquies: endless "hollowness"


so・lil・o・quy/- n. [C,U] a speech in a play in which a character talks to himself or herself, so that the audience know the character's thoughts.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

endless "hollowness"

The Rolling Stones - (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction

I can't get no satisfaction,
I can't get no satisfaction.
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try.
I can't get no, I can't get no.

Classical, isn't it? This is the state I believe I'm in now, and the problem is...I don't understand why. Surprisingly, I'm in despair, and is in the most negative condition I've ever experienced. My grades are not revealed, so I'm not sure yet, but from the test scores, I am quite sure I did well this semester. Therefore, I should be, and I probably am satisfied academically. The problem, I think lies in another area. What is this feeling I have, continuously saying that I'm "missing" or "slipping" an important factor? Why do I think I have a huge hole in my heart, just like the Hydrogen Ion, missing an electron?

When I think I'm just about to grab something, the hesitation slips them all out of my hand. I believe I have done it again. My life recently is definately not fulfilling.

Economically, I assume I am able to place my desires within my hands.
Academically, it's highly likely I will achieve my goals.
Health? No problem. Environment? I believe I'm surrounded by irreplacable friends of both sexes.

Is it just my over expectation?
Is it possible to be completely satisfied in the present day world?
What is it I lack?
What are the ways to obtain that? Jealousy...?

I would not want to live, carrying around regrets in the future. As a positive person, this state is really exhausting, disgusting, tiring, contaminating, unpleasant...please add on more negative words for more realism. There is another semester left in high school. My objective...find out and cure this "hollowness" lying within my heart. I hope I will become truly, happy as soon as possible.


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