free web tracker soliloquies: 10/30/2005 - 11/06/2005


so・lil・o・quy/- n. [C,U] a speech in a play in which a character talks to himself or herself, so that the audience know the character's thoughts.

Friday, November 04, 2005


I can't keep up with everyone who decide what they want to do with a random emergence of "nori" inside their minds.

In a way, they are like American teens...of course, this is a stereotype I have within my mind from the images I get from American TV shows and movies, but this explanation is probably the most understandable one I can think up of.

Like these images drawn in these medias, college students here do crazy stuff without thinking about the consequences that will arise afterwards. This could be anything minor from fatigue to more serious things that are punishable by law. I haven't met anyone who actually do stuff that are illegal or that are completely off...yet. Either way, why can't I find anyone who seeks out deep into the future to do something more constructive or meaningful?

College period for most people, is one of the most free and exciting periods of one's life. Anything is possible...if you are economically powerful enough. You have a lot of spare time you can spend on to achieve wonderful goals. There's this feeling within me, telling me that I'm not doing anything precious or satisfying lately, playing around frequently and wasting money on things that aren't really significant to me in anyway.

While my instinct is telling me to be mature and cool, on the other hand, this characteristic will make it a lot more difficult for me to make friends, especially when there are only dorks and idiots around me. I'm supposed to be in the most prestigious private university in Japan and the reality is this. Where are all the motivated, smart people? There supposedly are around 10,000 people on my campus. Those types are nowhere to be found.

I miss last year when I was able to work together with great, mature partners to build up and complete our "project". Sure, it was just an attraction we made up for our school festival, but the process, technique and efforts we put in were just fabulous.

Maybe the past two sentences are the clear explanation to this dilemma I'm going through. A lot of people who had went through tough times, studying for the entrance exam last year were probably unable to have as much fun as I did last year. They are probably in a state of rebound, enjoying immaturity and craziness...things I experienced last year, now. Time could be the solution to this problem. In fact, one of more mature friends I found in college is from Keio High, a high school that is administrated by my college.

I wish I can find or be given a chance to build up something I can be proud of in the future...soon.

Thursday, November 03, 2005


An early morning walk I took this morning, after our chaotic all night karaoke in Shibuya brought back some bitter memories I went through last week.(Around October 21-24)

After that proposed plan I had prepared which turned into an illusion, I have noticed 2 contradicting actions by her on Monday and Wednesday. Although I was disappointed by the fact that she rejected me on Monday last week, I have had a lot of sympathy toward the reasons she had written on her diary on GREE. If those reasons actually existed, her rejection would have been inevitable, thus I would not have had any reasons to be disappointed of.

However, her actions this week totally contradicted what she wrote on GREE on that day. Sure, she could have actually sorted things out with her parents or something, but with all that preparation and effort, both mental and economic I put into that plan, I just cannot keep myself calm, emotionally. This is the whole "chemistry" concept I wrote in my Japanese blog yesterday. Her actions are accelerating the process.

A sense of distrust is gradually rooting within my soul. I can't believe I've actually placed all that effort into this crush, just to be fed up with this bullshit and to be emotionally hurt...I'm quite hurt, even though no one may ever find any sympathy toward it. It's probably her nature and she's probably doing it without intentions, but...things just don't go the way you anticipate.

Linkin Park - In The End

It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try, keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so (far)
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me (in the end)
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I

I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know