free web tracker soliloquies: 10/16/2005 - 10/23/2005


so・lil・o・quy/- n. [C,U] a speech in a play in which a character talks to himself or herself, so that the audience know the character's thoughts.

Friday, October 21, 2005


Believe it or not, I actually made a visit to Shibuya to purchase the tickets I was talking about yesterday. I woke up at 5:45 this morning, took the 6:22 bus, took the 6:46 train and arrived at Shibuya at around 8:00. I've never seen Shibuya that scarce...anyway, there were about 12 people lining up in the front of the theater when I got there. It was rather surprising to see that many people since I was pretty sure I was going to be the first one there.

The theater began selling tickets at around 8:55. Unfortunately, I was unable to get the front row seats, but it was quite a "give and take" given the fact that they are gonna have a little show before the movie itself and there's no place that is suitable for both of these elements.

I am a reasonable, efficient guy. I don't understand why I'm actually doing these inexplainable stuff. I missed half of my first period and paid 3300 yen for something with a lot of uncertainty. This whole plan could end up in a rubbish bin.

During lunch today, my best friend and I discussed a lot about the issue I'm currently having. In a stable state of mind I was able to maintain today, I was able to think more clearly without the loveblind syndrome. Even if I am able to establish a relationship with her, will I be able to sustain it? The conclusion is...unlikely. I still can't understand what's going through her mind with all my resources and conjectures in place.


Thursday, October 20, 2005


OH MY GOD, what am I supposed to do?

Again, a not-so-decicive reply, but I must leave the option open. Therefore, off I go to Shibuya tomorrow with no one around. Anyway, I begining to think that the whole idea was killed and forgotten. That's one positive element. At least she remembered and gave me a reply, sort of.

What does that scene I saw in class imply...? No one's ever going to find out the answer to this "question" more specifically than what she intentionally output to her friends, but...oh, stop thinking you asshole. I've had enough hypotheses already on this matter.

My friend mailed me today after we said goodbye to each other, advising me to stay positive. I still cannot trust him fully, but at least, it is a proper advise and is the mental state I should retain in a situation like this. But another question arose from this mysterious conversation we had via mail...he could be a potential rival in this race that I currently am commencing.

DAMN IT...again. This is so dejavu...those bitter memories of July...flashbacks. I'm gonna go shoot myself, haha.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


I think I've reached the final phase of my journey.

This plan which I will probably execute on Friday will be the barometer. Whatever the results, if this plan doesn't work out, I think I would give up, once and for all. After all, I've done almost everything I've thought up of to impress her, both directly and indirectly, but sadly, there's no sign of interest out of her.

Sure, it could be her personality, but quite unlikely. This whole "nice guy" thing I've been doing for the past...lifetime? is my personality. I can't help it. It's just the matter of degree...100% of effort was in effect against her. She's not stupid, so she should at least understand the type of person I am. If the image a lot of people have against is engraved in her mind, she should at least...ask questions, especially in computer related areas.

But, no. Nothing. I'm getting more and more exhausted with this whole commitment thing. I wouldn't want to give up. Unfortunately, reality is giving me a lot of clues to terminate me...nothing positive.

Monday, October 17, 2005

intolerable cruelty

What the fuck.

I had everything prepared for my happy monday...and now what. That bus driver drove so slow, that I missed the fuckin train I was planning on taking, no seats reserved, no time to chat, no nothing.

God, how can you be so cruel when you ironically, match us up together in French class while you never let me succeed my commitment. I'm doing my best. Can't you see? I've never been this commiting sign of achievement.

This is tougher than any torture done in any part of this world today. Room 101? Piece of cake.

OH, LIFE SUCKS...believe it or not, I actually cried on the platform.

Sunday, October 16, 2005


Backstreet Boys' Incomplete is running endlessly in my head.

Believe it or not, this song probably describes the condition I'm currently situated in the best. I know. They're like the "boyest of the boy bands", nevertheless, this song is actually reflecting my heart.

There are two personalities inside me, each of them telling me what I should do now after I've found out her true feelings. I totally agree that the method I used was really cunning and I should've figured it out myself by asking her directly. Either way, the guesses I had were mostly correct...she doesn't have any feeling towards me that is anything more than a friend or if worse, a classmate. Now, I must choose whether or not I should continue on with the efforts I've put in toward this goal.

If I follow my honest feelings, the answer would be yes. I should go get those tickets, invite her over and make her happy. Would this apparent happiness be her real happiness? That is the question. All I want her to be is happy and if that goal cannot be achieved with me, then I should just get myself out of the competition.

That would mean I must lie to my honest feeling I've been holding ever since the first day I saw her...that day our student IDs were given out. At first, I felt some distance between her, possibly because of her first impression and aura, but as I got to know her better and better, she became more and more attractive. She's fashionable with a great taste and she's got a great sense of humor, which was quite surprising...I just adore it.

Like in a way Daniel Bedingfield sings in his song, her heart currently belongs to another man. That was (hopefully) the main reason of her rejection in July. Attepting an override is not the nicest thing t0 do...but I don't want to become a loser, not relation-wise, but lifewise. You may think I'm crazy, but I have this feeling that I still do have a lot of chance in this gamble and I wouldn't not dare miss the chance, if I do have any.

I haven't spoken to her in a week. I can't find any topics for conversation because of all this thinking I've been doing. I'll at least get the tickets tomorrow I guess for this movie she showed a lot of interest in. I just hope I can bring this relationship towards completion, one step at a time...