free web tracker soliloquies: 04/23/2006 - 04/30/2006


so・lil・o・quy/- n. [C,U] a speech in a play in which a character talks to himself or herself, so that the audience know the character's thoughts.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

golden week

Here in Japan, the week starting from April 29th is called "Golden Week".

This week is basically a week where many national holidays are concentrated in. April 29th is Green Day which was Emperor Showa's birthday and it is going to be renamed to Showa Day, starting from next year. May 1st is May Day for laborers and May 3rd is Constitution Day; the day our "new" constitution went into force in 1947. May 4th a national holiday which is going to be replaced by "new" Green Day. Last but not least, May 5th is Children's Day.

Yes, I always wonder why Japanese holiday doesn't have anything to celebrate or commemorate about. Anyway, because of this, this "Golden Week" brings people outdoor for no apparent reason. Wherever you go, whichever way you look, all you see is people, thanks to ridiculous concentration of population which is one of the most proud records this country possess.

Personally, I disgust this holiday season. You can never get things you usually can done. Public transportations are late, you have difficult time just walking through station corridors and so on. Nevertheless, it is probably my status that allows me to say such stuff. I am a student after all with a lot of free time. For average laborers, these long, continuous holidays are precious and that fact must be respected.

It would be really funny if Green Day is actually renamed and called gurin-dei with its purpose to commemorate numerous achievements of a certain American punk rock band. People all over the nation will be chanting one of the songs from "American Idiot", "Nimrod" or whatever. Now THAT would be a "Holiday". Hehe. Just kidding. Happy Green Day. lol

P.S. No, I am not a hardcore Green Day fan.

Friday, April 28, 2006


Yes, I've got my results. I am going to Cambridge this summer. Yay! In August, I will spend some grand time in the United Kingdom studying, communicating, interacting and sightseeing. This whole concept was unachievable without support of my friends and my family. I owe everyone a lot. Although the program is going to cost me a lot of money, this whole experience will be precious for me, even though I am going to sacrifice my family trip this year, due to overlapping itinerary.

But even though I was happy the moment I saw my student ID number on the bulletin board, I felt gloomy throughout the day. I wonder why...well, I do know why, but. Is there anything I can do to improve this situation or have I completely screwed things up for some particular reason?

Let's just say I was really tired today from all the essay writing I did last night. Period. Why is the British pound so valuable anyway? 1 pound is equivalent to 206 yen. Bloody hell.

Everything’s so blurry
And everyone’s so fake
And everybody’s empty
And everything is so messed up...

Thursday, April 27, 2006


"Be positive". This is one of those advises that people give to cheer someone up when he/she is upset over something. Of course, this advice is quite logical and it is never a good idea to maintain a negative state of consciousness in any period of your life. However, like many of the advanced organisms that are prevailing on this planet, human being is a psychologically complex creature. Based on that particular person's logic, any event can be interpreted in countless ways.

For example, let's say there are two people who luckily, find a $100 bill on a sidewalk he/she was walking on in an exactly same way. As an additional setting, let's say one of these two are extremely religious and one is not. For the religious one, he/she may interpret this occurrence as an act of God; a reward for all the good things he/she had done. If he/she interpreted this event this way, he/she would sure be happy for a long span of time and the degree of that happiness must be tremendous.

On the other hand, even if the second person finds that $100 in an exact same way, he/she will just feel lucky and this happiness would be a lot more insignificant compared to the former case.

This is probably one of the traps people can fall into by taking a positive state of mind. When your reality mismatches your expectation, you can possibly fall into melancholy, even if that result may give joyful result to others. It's an obivious fact, but happiness is relative.

So, I'm beginning to think that positive way of thinking must have its limits and be controlled in a way you can experience your largest degree of happiness. You must not expect too much and think how you are lucky for achieving your will in case you do. This way, you can feel a lot more happier with a same occurrence and not feel depressed in case your will fails to realize.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006


This morning, when I was taking the Tokyu Toyoko Line to school, I saw two Americans sitting in front of me with a Japanese phrase book and a train map. As I observed them, I noticed how they kept on sighing and from that, I judged that they were in trouble getting around in an environment filled with exotic characters which we call kanji.

So, I went over to them and asked "Are you two in trouble?" in a mannerly fashion. Well, apparently, they didn't need any assistance, but we sparked up a conversation and rapidly spoke to each other in English in a Japanese commuter train. It was probably an awkward sight to those who thought I was an ordinary Japanese.

She asked me if I was from the United States and I told her how I used to live in New Jersey in the past. She told me how she liked Japan and it how she was able to easily understand Japanese public transportation system, but she did criticize how Japanese highways are complicated with their route numbers and their weird exit numbering system. It was a 5 minute long conversation, but it was a nice occurrence to start my day off.

Anyway, have you had these experiences when you are quite uncertain about something? In all of psychological tests, the results tell me how I am confident about a lot of things. That is not fully true nor false. I gain a lot of confidence based on the effort I put into that matter with an expection. That matter must be something that can be gained with effort, tests, for instance. As long as you study hard and review prior to it, there's a high possibility that you can gain an adequate score on it.

But in life, their are some factors that you can't raise your success rate no matter how hard you try. Opposing all the test results, this is the part I am particularly weak at. I can do stuff that will change one's course toward that matter, but no matter how hard you try, there's no assurance that your attempt will end up with succession. This can probably mean that I am a weak person, but everyone's scared at certain stuff in this chaotic world of ours, right?

There's a certain agenda inside me that is making me go around in circles. While some signs are showing positiveness and I am well motivated by them, I just can't make that one last step that is necessary to bring this agenda into orbit. I have all the planning and stuff after that step, but my uncertainty or I should say my "fear toward understanding the truth" is blocking that decisive action I had been planning to make for months now. Besides, these signs are weak if these signs are measured with relativity.

I hate this element of my character, but I have never had any success on actions that were done based on my natural instincts. This possibility is based on some logics, nonetheless, nothing can be clearly understood in this sort of stuff. Plus, I'm pretty screwed up at the moment.

What am I supposed to do...? Is silence a good sign in a way the proverb "silence is golden" implies? Or, did that silence derive from some negative factors? There's only one way to find out.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

takeshima dokdo

Ever since the current president's inauguration, Korean administration's nationalistic propaganda is really getting out of control, as shown by their radical overreaction to EEZ dispute last week. As a member of a newer generation that has never experienced WWII, I must say I am quite fed up by their contradicting claims.

I must also admit that it's most probable that countless brutal acts were conducted on Korean Peninsula during the Japanese colonization era and that is something we must embrace as a Japanese. But no matter how awful our acts were then, their use of history, which is something no one really understands for sure, as a diplomatic weapon must have its limit. They are blaming Japanese colonization for all of today's problem and that is an unacceptable behavior.

All of the documentations that exists regarding Takeshima/Dokdo is really vague and no one can make a clear interpretation of where administrative power should be. Potsdam Declaration, American Occupation Forces, Japan-Korea Normalization Talks...this dispute is clearly a result of irresponsible generations of the past. Nevertheless, you can never occupy one country's territory by declaring sovereignty over an island that had no clear nationality.

As a member of United Nations, why wouldn't the Koreans accept juridification by the International Court of Justice in a way the Japanese Government is proposing since 1956? Within their hearts, they probably understand how illegal their actions are. If worse comes to worst, we can always use a handy tool which we call "hydrogen bomb" to blow up those potentially useless islands to get rid of this problem from its root.

Either way, both the Japanese and the Korean governments must be faithful in this problem which has a complicated problem behind it. Currently, I believe that the Koreans are the ones who are lacking faith in this problem and this perspective doesn't derive from my nationality, but as a person. I wish this problem could be settled with peaceful means in the near future.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

it's probably better off if you don't read this

Have I consumed all my lifetime happiness during my youth? More or less, I'm beginning to believe how this hypothesis is becoming probable and agreeable.

I do not feel happy lately. I rarely laugh. I don't smile as often either. I have problems in all of the fields that compose one's life. Finance, relationships and family...everything.

What have I done wrong? What have I done to deserve this? Why don't I have any friends I can trust from bottom of my heart even with all that effort I had put into affairs last year? Why are they all exult with their newly made partners? Why do I feel left behind and used...and above all, why do I feel miserable being all alone?

I thought we were close enough to easily overcome our geographical hurdle...but no. I don't see them, they don't see me and we never communicate in any form. They don't even come to school as often. I thought you were a lot more motivated in all of your proposals...self-centered retards.

And my family. Why is everyone suffering from a similar cause? Why aren't we able to have enough communication, even within my family? Everyone's way too hectic to even think about other members of family.

A bit irrelevant, but if I end up screwing up the "faint ray of light" I believe and hope I am observing, I will become a totally screwed and melancholic person for a significant amount of time...and that must be avoided. But how could anything go right if my foundation is crumbling to this degree?

Basically, I dislike making blue, gloomy entrees in my blog but I can't withstand it any longer. Ever since I made that proposal about Cambridge, things are obviously going wrong between my parents. Was this a bad idea? Talking about anything related to money to my parents is a taboo. Surely, it is a lot more than what my parents can currently offer and I knew that at the time of my proposal, but I couldn't lie to my passion.

Anyway, I will try to remain positive for the time being, but I don't know how long I can endure this critical situation I am placed in. I know I am a lot more wealthier than many of the third world children, but what good would all the stuff do if I am not happy? God, life sucks.