free web tracker soliloquies: 05/14/2006 - 05/21/2006


so・lil・o・quy/- n. [C,U] a speech in a play in which a character talks to himself or herself, so that the audience know the character's thoughts.

Saturday, May 20, 2006


On the paper today, it said that the island of Honshu is receiving 30% less sunlight than the statistical average this month. Residing on it, I knew something was wrong with the weather this year, but I guess my senses are proven.

With a weird meteorological trend this year, the weather was weird again today. A high likeliness of a downpour resulting from the instability of the atmosphere popped up flood warnings all over the region this afternoon. In fact, I sort of remember observing heavy rainfall from my office in Yokohama at around 3PM.

But it was quite pleasant in the evening after the storm passed. On the train home, I saw a beautiful, vivid rainbow along with a clear blue sky, which is something I was unable to see for a while now. On the opposite side of the sky, there was a beautiful sunset slowly setting into the horizon. It was a beautiful the time I got off the train, the rainbow was slowing disappearing in a way sun was. I wish I could've taken a better picture of it.

At night, I went to this Italian restaurant nearby which is probably famous between people who are connoisseur of food. The food there was great like always. It's always interesting to observe the master there. He seems a bit difficult at first, but visit after visit, his service becomes more and more fulfilling. Even though, the place is always filled with customers. Interesting.

Tomorrow, I am going to take the graduation exam at my driving school... a big day. Finally, I may be able to end this quest that is taking me forever to finish. Wish me luck!

Friday, May 19, 2006

self disgust

An unknown force is pulling me back from many circumstances I was completely capable of handling. I was able to actively make my movements in similar situations of the past, but now, I am having a lot of difficulty commencing the simplest tasks without the "fair wind" I used to feel. Even though I carefully plan things out, those plans are never brought into action because of my fear of losing something, or better said, recessing.

Why can't I be honest with my own feelings? My feelings are giving me a big, green light, telling me to go, but I don't have the confidence or the guts to do anything that has the potentiality of allowing me to breakthough this gridlock I am currently stuck in.

What do I want? What do I want to do?
What are you afraid of?
I am so disgusted by my own misery.

To be frank, I do know what I want. I know what I must do to obtain that. Lack of confidence and the fear resulting from numerous concerns I have toward the matter are fundamentally bending my ability to think properly. In this spiral of worries, all I can see is the negative outcome of this attempt.

Running around in circles will not get me anywhere and that is for certain....damnit.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

slowly reaching my goal

It was an awkward day in school today. Even though I was supposed to have 2 periods of class today, my Constitutional Law class on 3rd period was cancelled and I was thrown out on to the campus with nothing to do. Fortunately, I had a friend to spend this blank with and we had a late lunch at the cafeteria we seldom (are able to) use. After this and that, 3rd period was over with the chime and we went to our Civil Law class together.

Compared to the other Civil Law class on Tuesdays, this Civil Law classes are a lot less hassle understanding with a comprehensible explanation and an easy-to-follow resume.

After school, I went to my driving school again like yesterday to finish my final period. To be honest, I wasn't expecting myself to successfully pass my pretest on my first try since I had a 4 month interval. However, despite this apparently long gap I've created due to my laziness, my instructor gave me eligibility to take the graduation exam.

The instructor I had yesterday told me that with the circumstance I am in, he would've added on additional training session if he was the instructor in charge of my pretest. It was a bit critical really, because it would've costed me 4,725 yen more to reserve another class.

With the approval, I went over to the counter and reserved my graduation exam on Sunday. This exam is a lot more harsh than the pretest I took today since there are various factors that will fail you in a single attempt. I assume a lot more image training would be necessary before it.

Even though I do have the right to drive publicly with my permit, I don't have the guts to drive on the narrow streets of my hometown.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

time is running out

In an immensely popular freepaper called R25, there was this article on what us Japanese call "May Syndrome". Since fiscal year begins in April here, a lot of people are excessively motivated in April. However, around May, a lot of people get a negative rebound of that. That is the reason why it is called "May Syndrome". So, I tried one of the stress checks on that article and the picture above was my result. Bloody hell...I knew I was a bit depressed, but I wasn't expecting it to be this bad.

Anyway, today was even more busier than a typical Tuesday. Like always, 2 uninteresting periods of French, followed by Constitutional Law and Civil Law classes. I was glad that I was able to achieve significant amount of understanding in Civil Law class which I had a lot of difficulty understanding the past few weeks. Constitutional Class was fulfilling like usual...but God, those classes felt long today. It could be one of the symptoms warning me of a possible case of "May Syndrome". I have lived through well and I'm not going to ruin that record because of a fictitious "syndrome".

After school, I drove for first time in 4 months today at my driving school which I must graduate by the 3rd of June. With a huge interval and upcoming deadline, I was really under pressure before class. Luckily, I had a kind instructor today, giving me all sorts of advice prior, during and after class. Yay.

With a minimum of one class left, I just hope everything goes well on my next pre-test. I don't understand why ended up taking this long though. Besides, I don't really have the necessity to drive at the moment anyway, but if I fail to finish this curriculum on time, I will end up wasting 300,000 yen and that is A LOT of money.

In chaotic urban avenues, you are always trapped between life and death. I have made another reservation tomorrow. A nice instructor and favorable traffic conditions allowed me to live through another day, but who knows what is going to happen tomorrow?

We'll wait and see. lol

Monday, May 15, 2006

nothing to write

I haven't done anything interesting today since Mondays are reserved for work, at least for this year. What's more, I haven't done any brainstorming today that will make me blabber on for a while. So, I will abandon my freedom of expression, momentarily. Hehe.

From what I see on my schedule, I will probably have a lot to write tomorrow. Another ridiculously hectic day...phew.

It is really difficult to match timings nowadays. I used to be an available guy a week or two ago, but now, I can't take any of the actions I want to. Life is full of irony as I've mentioned quite a few times here. Here's another perfect example. Sigh.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

mother's day

Traditionally, many "personal" holidays such as Mother's Day, Father's Day and birthdays are well respected in my family. As you may know, today was Mother's Day.

As far as I can remember, on most Mother's Days in the past, my sister and I have always purchased her flowers and some goods of her request. This tradition continued this year too and we got her some slippers and a lot of flowers, including carnations.

Other than that, I did all the housework for her today. Dishwashing, cleaning, shopping...that sort of stuff. Fortunately, my dad supported my effort by buying dinner for us all tonight. I was planning on making her something, but it would've been really tough to satisfy her with my cooking techiniques...I only specialize in Italian when my mom's favorite is Japanese. lol

Anyway, now I have got to prepare myself for Father's Day which is coming up in about a month. What would make my dad satisfied as much as my mom today...I've still got some time to think, I guess.